The Mess Hall

I'd make one myself but I have no clue.

If I was to start learning to programme, any idea how long it might take?

Jesus... a long time from scratch.

You're best bet is to find something open source you can tinker with. The hardest part is getting it set up so you can build it.

Then you can find any old C/C++/Java/whatever courses on the internet, and make little changes to your open source project and see how they affect it.

Then go from there.

But attempting to write a custom PS3 media player from scratch is like me going to enter the Olympic 100m sprint after me next ciggy...

However, it's worth learning